The politicization of face masks is genuinely perplexing to me. Put aside for a moment what for all intents and purposes should be a reasonably uncomplicated nonissue (any protection is better than no protection at all) and let’s consider some potential missed opportunities for the objectors:
1. Broadcast Your Stance- If the eyes are the window to the soul, then the blank slate covering the mouth and nose is primetime advertising real estate. Imagine the Lib-owning messages you could share with the world. Think of it as a Facebook cover photo for your actual face! MAGA, KAG, TRUMP 2020, Skoal, NASCAR, Bud-Light, Confederate Flag, the options are endless!
2. Thwart the Deep State- Big brother is watching, indexing, and surveilling you whether you like it or not. Using satellite and ground-based smart camera technology coupled with AI-driven facial recognition software, the Clintons not only know where you are but know what stupid face you’re making while you’re there. Slapping a mask on issues the ultimate “Suck it Soros” that any privacy loving, god fearing, self-respecting conservative should really be able to get behind.
3. Marital/Social Aid- Shielding your breath from people near you and filtering certain odors from reaching your olfactory gland could conceivable reduce arguments and significantly increase the blast radius for breaking wind. Also, just think of the scowls, frowns, bared teeth grimaced expressions you can suppress. Note: eye rolls are still detectable with most current respiratory masks, so be wary.
4. Stick it to the Libs- Sure, nothing says, “I’m standing by my vote to the bitter end” quite as effectively as dying, but remember, that’s just what Nancy Pelosi wants you to do! If you die, the Libs win! Show them all by surviving! Just stop reproducing, you know ’cause of overpopulation and stuff.
5. Self-improvement on a Budget- Missing some teeth? Ugly as fuck? Face masks provide a vast improvement over costly plastic surgery and dentures. Plus, as previously mentioned, a face mask provides boundless creative options. Want to look like Robocop or your favorite marauding madman, they’ve got a mask for you!
Mannino Acid 